Een dag zoals een ander, en toch een beetje anders

2011-03-24T21:03:00.001+01:00

I did a crazy again today. And I am so angry at myself for doing so. But once I get started, I just can't stop myself and in a matter of mere moments, I ruin everything.
And now I don't know what to do. Was this guy so special? Not really. But he was a friend and now I've ruined that, too. But to be honest, it's the fact that I went crazy which bothers me. The fact that I had this guy and I could have had this guy, and then I went crazy. Things happened and then he didn't show his face for almost a week. We spoke, sporadically, but not really. And I flipped. Felt rejected. And then I "pissed my own chips" by going crazy. "Fucking bunny boiler", was the term used in this instance. Can't blame him, to be honest. But now I don't know what to do.

And I know I'm writing into thin air. But I guess it helps, somehow.

In other news:

2011-03-11T15:08:00.002+01:00

Nou, zo'n dingen vervliegen nogal snel. Gisteren was een avond om niet te vergeten. Eigenlijk, om eerlijk te zijn, zal ik ze waarschijnlijk snel vergeten. Dat is zo met van die avonden waarop je plots beseft "Ik ben niet echt een deel van deze groep". En dan mis je je vrienden van thuis en zo. En wil je terug. Maar dat gaat zomaar niet. Spijtig maar waar.

Het leven voelt een stuk eenzamer wanneer je niemand hebt om naar uit te zien. Klinkt belachelijk, maar is waar. Je hart is een stukje leger, of zo. Het is niet dat je je verdrietig voelt of alleen of afgewezen (want dat ben ik geen van de drie), het is gewoon wat leger in je leven. En je hebt het gevoel dat je die leegte opvullen moet, maar er is niet echt iemand die in het oog springt. Het is een ingewikkeld probleem. Het mooie is wel dat ik nu eindelijk op een punt aanbeland ben waar ik niet zomaar boemknal val voor elke mannelijke persoon die ietwat interesse in me vertoont. Ik ben wat kieskeuriger geworden, en maar goed ook. Maar ja, het leven is nu dus wat leger. Spijtig maar waar. En ah, ze zijn zo jong, meneer!

2011-03-09T16:21:00.002+01:00

Gisteren aan het praten met een kerel die ik wel leuk vind. Het ging over kerken en voedsel in kerken, ging over in het gaan naar de kerk en toen zei ik dat ik aan het wisselen was van kerk en wat vanalles aan het bezoeken was. Lichte schok op het aangezicht van mijn gespreksgenoot. "You go to church?". Ik wist al dat ie atheist was, maar blijkbaar wist hij niet dat ik dat niet was. Moet ik nu blij zijn met het feit dat hij het wat ongelukkig leek op te nemen dat ik gelovig ben (net té ongelukkig over gewone vriendschap met een gelovig mens), of moet ik het spijtig vinden dat we zo ontzettend aan twee uiteinden van het spectrum staan?

2011-03-04T05:23:00.002+01:00

There is but one who sticks. But one of whom I think when I feel melancholic, when love found love lost is seeping through my mind. There's only one whose letters I still cherish, whose texts I can't delete, whose picture I still look at to see what mood he's in. There's only one for whom my door is always open, only the one who makes mistakes but does not feel the pain. Just one who burrowed himself inside my heart and cannot be pushed out or moved. Only one whose faults I see and still I love. Only one I care about, I really care about, even after all this time and all this mess.

Is that bad? Is it bad that I have lost my head over a dozen boys and only one has stuck? That out of all my professed loves there is but one who can survive the test of time? And what's the use of searching love if I can't find a better thing than what I had but now have lost and will not find again? Should I still try or should I wait, until a man touches my soul like he did, with his words, his touch, his mind? What is attraction if not but a mere affliction of the heart, a trifle idle gust of lust and fancy?

I am too old for this, I think. For what this world will call romance. Or maybe I'm too young, too young to see that what I felt can be repeated and what I like can grow and become what I once felt. But then I think of Wroclaw Zoo, of Flanders Fields, of summerwalks, and all I feel is that I once loved, perhaps was even loved, though never said and never told. All is nonsense and perhaps, this place is far too young for me, or I am just too old.

If I read his letters now, I'll cry.

2011-03-04T05:03:00.005+01:00

There is always that one guy you can't forget. Or that one woman, for that matter. The one who slowly infiltrates your mind when you feel melancholic, the one you think of when romance is talked about, the one whose loveletters you keep in a box on your shelf and which you take out to read, so now and then. The one who showed you what you love, the one whose touch you still remember. The one who never is despised, but always loved, no matter what. The one you look at for a model, the one who never has been beaten, the one with endless flaws and yet so perfect. Just slipped away, like silk on skin, too soft to grasp, too precious to keep hold of.

He is in my mind tonight, whispering the memories I so carefully locked up. There is no other.

2011-01-01T17:22:00.000+01:00

Gelezen op een Kerstkaart

2010-12-28T10:25:00.001+01:00

"We wensen u ook tussen het doodgewoon zo nu en dan een Godsgeschenk!"

Een mailtje van Siem

2010-12-01T15:06:00.001+01:00

hallo hanne,

ga jij nog eens komen?

x
xxxxxxxx
x
siem

Siemism (stolen from big sister's blog)

2010-10-07T13:38:00.000+02:00

Siem beschrijft een ‘beestje’ dat hij zag: ‘Ik denk dat het de baby van een gordeldier was’. Een pissebed dus.
Daarna: ‘Ja, ik heb het opgezocht (sic!). Ik zei heel stil in mijn hoofd: dat is zeker een gordeldier. En ik keek in mijn boek en het was zo.’

Siem described some animal he saw: “I think it was the baby of an armadillo” Aka a woodlouse.

A little later: “Yes, I’ve looked it up. I said very silently in my head: that must be an armadillo. And I looked it up in my book, and it was.”

By the way, in Dutch, there is no linguistic connection whatsoever between those two animals. In English however, there is a very clear connection: the woodlouse is sometimes called armadillo bug. I was very surprised to read this. For non-belgians: there are many woodlice around here, but no armadillos. Siem just reads too many books.

Uit 'De Kattebel', de nieuwsbrief van mijn jeugd.

2010-10-04T17:44:00.001+02:00

HALVE ONDERTITELS

Hanne is de enige van onze drie dochters die al zo vroeg van zo'n onstilbare leeshonger blijk geeft. Ze leest letterlijk alles. Stillezen is nog net te moeilijk voor haar en dus beleven we willens nillens alle avonturen mee van de helden in haar boek. Veel verschil maakt het niet, ze kon toch al nooit haar mond houden. Zelfs aan tafel gaat ze door: ze leest de ingrediënten, eerst in het Nederlands en daarna in het Frans. Ook de ondertitels op t.v. leest ze op fluistertoon voor, helaas niet snel genoeg, zodat ze de tweede helft van haar zinnen maar moet raden.

LITERATUUR.

Hanne -die op school tot de uitblinkers behoort- verklaart dat ze schrijfster wil worden. Ze verkeert nog in het snel voorbijgaande stadium dat ze zoveel mogelijk op haar moeder wil lijken. Te zien aan het aantal rondslingerde kladjes met verhaaltjes van haar hand, maakt ze werk van haar literaire loopbaan.

2010-09-23T20:12:00.001+02:00

2010-09-18T22:21:00.002+02:00

I used to think that my ability to bounce back quickly after moments of sadness or pain was due to my antidepressants. It is good to notice it is in fact just me.

Heard in the tobacco shop Dr.Hermans

2010-09-18T22:19:00.002+02:00

.Customer: Do you have any of them magic mushies?

Owner: Sold them. Erm, I mean, they're illegal.

Customer: I'm sure I saw them here a couple of weeks ago.

Owner: That might be, but they are illegal. (pauses) What do you want to do with them? Grow them?

Customer: (very unconvincingly) Yeah!

Owner: Let me see what I can do...

2010-09-12T23:51:00.001+02:00

Als jij verloren denk ons dichtbij
wij dansen versierend plezier

(Elisabeth De Schutter)

2010-09-10T11:10:00.001+02:00

"It will get better after Christmas. As soon as Spring starts, you'll get the feeling you never want to leave again."

(Ciska Blanken)

2010-09-09T23:55:00.001+02:00

"Stop, and think better

have patience

not the patience I told you to have on guys

but patience for yourself"

(João G. de Mascarenhas)

2010-09-07T22:48:00.002+02:00

"Rood is goed. Geel of zwart is slecht."

(Paul-Henri over mijn vinger-met-hondenbeet)

2010-08-23T22:07:00.001+02:00

Ik mis het Belgenland nog steeds een beetje, de omgeving, het gevoel echt thuis te zijn, Brugge in de zomer, fietsen langs het water, rondhangen in Leuven, de temperatuur buiten voelen op mijn balkon. Maar ja, het gaat goed. Werk houdt mijn... gedachten bezig en doet de tijd versnellen tot het schooljaar weer begint.

2010-08-18T15:26:00.003+02:00

I want to be home. Be with my friends. Not feel lonely. Cos that's how I feel. Lonely. Friend-less. I miss my friends so much, I never could imagine how bad it would be.

Starting all over again is not as easy as it seems. Certainly not when everyone you know is still at home, be it in England or in Belgium.

2010-08-17T15:45:00.003+02:00

Look, if I like the guy, I like the guy. And it doesnt matter if im 22 or 57. Or it shouldnt.
There are sooo many people who are in love with people for yeeears (by which I don't mean that I am in love). And what exactly is so bad about that? Why do we feel sorry for that girl who just can't move on? What is so great about "moving on, bigger and better" ?

Where is the romance, what happened to liking someone for longer than a week?
I want some good old fashioned soppy pining-for-that-wonderful-guy romance in my life, 'cos I am quite done with the bloody translucence my life has had lately.

I'm making a stand: let's be that girl who does not just move on, who does not find bigger and better, but sticks with exactly what she liked in the first place. Because if not, we will never get to be the heroine in that romance story we all love so much. To get our very own Mister Darcy, the least we can do is some pining. Because there is not nearly enough pining in this world.

2010-08-16T13:49:00.000+02:00

I like the night. All is asleep and the hours fly by. It's no wonder I was a waitress. It's no wonder I cannot fall asleep before twelve. It's no wonder my best writing flows from my nightly pen.

Today is an exception. Though technically, this is still the night. I have not laid my eyes to rest yet, and am tempted to do so this afternoon, in a house that is not mine, for the nourishing slumber that will envelop my body and make my limbs go weak, and for the presence of certain, which will envelop my body and make my limbs go weak.

It might not be a good idea. I hope to beat the weariness and not let the Sandman's luring call seduce me into foolishness. Too much is too much, even if it seems too little.

2010-08-11T15:12:00.000+02:00

Verjaardagswens van An, en zo waar, zo waar...

2010-08-10T00:43:00.001+02:00

Memory is not so brilliant as hope, but it is more beautiful, and a thousand times more true.

Verjaardagswens van Pauline, te mooi om hier niet te posten.

2010-08-09T16:56:00.001+02:00

Ik heb de regen gevangen,
de lucht met zonnen behangen
Een doos kleurpotloden geplant,
strikjes in mijn haar gekamd
Met bellen en vlaggen gezwaaid,
...kinderen komen aangewaaid
Bloemen, zoenen, snoepjes,

koekjes, toeters, hoeden
voor en van iedereen
En ik
slinger mij er feestelijk doorheen.

(Dichter onbekend?)

Gemis

2010-08-08T17:16:00.001+02:00

2010-08-08T12:18:00.001+02:00

Zoals men ijzer scherpt met ijzer, zo scherpt een mens zijn medemens. -- Spreuken 27:17

2010-08-07T23:28:00.002+02:00

Watching Friends reminds me so much of him - it's enthralling and depressing at the same time.

2010-08-07T17:23:00.001+02:00

"Come on. Let your guard down, let your hair down, let your mother down."

(The Thin Blue Line)

2010-08-06T13:06:00.003+02:00

When I look at of my window and see the dreary grayness of the Liverpudlian skies, I wonder. Wonder where the fire is I first felt, the living of the dream. It's not that I am not happy here, or that I think I made a mistake, it's just that there seems to be something missing, a piece of myself left behind. It doesn't help that he is there and I am here, but even that is not the core of the feeling. It would not be such a big deal if I was still at home. If I had my friends around me, to whom I could talk, on whose shoulders I could cry, to whom I could voice my sadness whenever I wanted, without having to wait until their picture popped up on Facebook chat. But now I am here, left alone with my thoughts, with no real confidant, the only one I was truly open with in a monastery in Scotland, unreachable by any means of modern communication. And even then, I doubt he would talk to me. Things are too complicated right now. All I can do is wait, try to find some sunshine in the rain. Find my way without him, without those who have been by my side for the past years, without my family to wake me up on my birthday. I battle on, looking for a job, a purpose, my way. This is the real life, no more messing about. Independence is what I sought and independence is what I got. It's the destiny I chose.

2010-08-06T12:30:00.003+02:00

I count the days. Silly, but true. Have not counted days in, well, ages. I don't know how this will end. Happy? Doubt it. My life has not exactly shown a happily ever after in its tumulous course. Would be nice, of course, but you can't blame even the most romantic of girls becoming a bit cynical after a while. It's the same story, always on repeat. Though this is a fifteen. Difference? I don't know. Things are always complicated, always intricate, always heartbreak. I count the days and wonder what he's thinking, alone in his room, reading those books and hopefully at least having me a little on his mind.

Only time will tell.

2010-08-04T18:49:00.001+02:00

Net op Q: "Er pakken hier toch een hoop donkere wolken samen boven ons, ik denk dat we straks een vlaai gaan krijgen".

De kwaliteit der Vlaamse radio gaat danig achteruit.

2010-07-30T23:41:00.001+02:00

Liverpool, een stad van uitwaaien, regen, mijmeringen en geschiedenis, met groene plekjes achter elke nieuwe hoek. De vrijheid speelt hier met de lokken van de wind.

2010-07-30T19:26:00.002+02:00

Ik mis Preparee. Voor zij die hierop zitten: echt waar, ik mis jullie. Ontzettend. Allemaal. Ik denk dat het door mijn opkomende verjaardag is, dat ik me realiseer dat ik al deze mensen nog maar twee weken ken. En jullie al twee jaar. En dat ik jullie dus ongelooflijk mis.

Komen jullie langs? Gauw?

2010-07-20T02:49:00.002+02:00

Church yesterday and a long nightly conversation with a good friend, plus the bible study group of tonight have made a certain resolution I had been forming in my head for quite a while a rather strong one now. From now on on, in an attempt to be a better Christian and not as hypocritical as we all tend to be from time to time, I will try and make friends with the "losers". With the beggars, the prostitutes and the tax collectors. More precisely, every time I catch myself thinking "Well, that person looks weird, I'm not going near him/her", I will force myself to go up to them and at least try and be friends with them. Because in Jesus' eyes, nobody is "weird" or "funny looking". He created every single one of the people on earth, so why on earth would He think anyone was "weird"?

So that is the mindset I will adopt from now on. Stop being judgemental, stop letting first impressions count. Because there are no seven seconds with Jesus. He does not judge, and neither should I. If I do, I might as well stop calling myself a Christian altogether, as I am just a hypocrite after all.

2010-07-19T14:47:00.001+02:00

Ironisch, niet? Dan verhuis ik eindelijk en gebeurde net het omgekeerde. Zucht. Diepe zucht.

2010-07-17T12:16:00.002+02:00

Wat heb ik hier al een eeuwigheid niet meer geschreven! En ik had mezelf nog zo beloofd...

Wanneer je plots van levenswandel verandert, is het soms moeilijk om nog vast te houden aan die oude. En dan toch, toch mis je dingen. Of gebeuren er dingen die je zo intrinsiek doen herinneren, dingen die ervoor zorgen dat het afscheid toch nog moeilijk blijkt. Heb ik al heimwee? Nee, nog niet. Maar hoewel dit mijn droom is, mijn kleine paradijs, zal er toch een dag, een uur, misschien zelfs maar een minuut komen waarin ik denk "Was ik maar gebleven". Want hoeveel gingers je ook tegenkomt, soms zijn echte vrienden, mensen die je kennen en waar je zo ontzettend van houdt, oneindig onvervangbaar.

2010-06-23T02:36:00.001+02:00

This Friday, I will finally be sleeping in my old house again. You literally have no idea how amazing that feels!

2010-06-21T11:31:00.003+02:00

I'm counting down the days. Still a little anxious, sometimes, but I try to reason those doubts away. All will be alright, I know it will. Does my life not always land on its feet?
22 more days. Not a day without a plan, not a week which isn't busy. Slightly scary, but also comforting. Things are getting real now.

2010-06-18T14:39:00.001+02:00

I just booked my ferry to Dover, which means that it's now official. On the 13th of July, I'm leaving the country. So excited, scared, relieved, exhilirated, hesitant, all at the same time.

A bit of ginger wisedom

2010-06-15T14:17:00.001+02:00

Exes are exes for a reason.

(Lance Litwin)

2010-06-13T23:48:00.001+02:00

He's like a helpless puppy. You can hardly ditch him cos he peed on your couch. And pood on your carpet. And chewed on your furniture. And just puked all over your new Gucci handbag.

2010-05-31T21:24:00.001+02:00

Perfect response to a come-on of a guy you don't want:
"I only date losers"

Answer options:
a) "Well, I'm not a loser" - "Which is why I am not going to date you"
b) "Oh, but I'm a wordclass loser!" - "Which is why I am not going to date you"

2010-05-30T19:23:00.001+02:00

Wat is het verschil tussen een man en een ongeluk? Een ongeluk komt nooit alleen.

2010-05-30T16:50:00.001+02:00

Lifelesson:

Being friends with the friends of your ex-boyfriend never works.

2010-05-28T20:42:00.000+02:00

2010-05-28T11:03:00.001+02:00

I have a student ID! I am so excited!

Hanne leert bij

2010-05-26T20:14:00.002+02:00

How did it happen that the eighty-three variant spellings recorded by E.K. Chambers eventually took the single form Shakespeare? While the six supposed autographs that have been preserved are disuniform, none separates the two syllables of his last name with an e: "Willm Shaksp", "william Shakspe", "Wm Shakspe", "william Shakspere", "Willm Shakspere", "William Shakspeare". Why does the scripted "Shak" become the printed "Shake"? Randall McLeod has shown that when the compositor set k and long s against each other in italic type, the letters would each begin to bend or break, because they both usually kerned (i.e., the typeface of each letter projected beyond the small typebody behind it). To avoid breakage (and the ensuing fine), a compositor would set a neutral typebody between k and long s. The problematic "Shakspeare" would then be set in italics as "Shak-speare", "Shakespeare", or even "Shake-speare".

2010-05-24T20:59:00.001+02:00

Jack & Jill's Wedding
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.

When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.

I told her, "Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will."

Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that".

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.

"Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your f*cking attitude, you never will!!"

2010-05-24T20:48:00.001+02:00

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

2010-05-23T19:54:00.000+02:00

Why does the sun make everything so much better?

2010-05-23T16:22:00.002+02:00

"It's not the size of the waves, it's the motion of the ocean."

(Paul-Henri Koziej)

2010-05-21T16:14:00.001+02:00

"Hanne vertoont sociaal gedrag: SHUT YOUR MOUTHS, YOU BANTERING BUFFOONS!"

(Birgit Biers)

2010-05-19T18:14:00.000+02:00

"Well, masturbation is a touchy subject anyway."

(Jonathan Phillipson)

2010-05-15T21:47:00.000+02:00

I'm scared I'm going to be lonely when I move.

2010-05-15T19:06:00.004+02:00

"When I was sixteen, I thought by twenty-three, I'd be married, maybe have a kid, corner-office by day and entertaining at night. I'm supposed to be driving a Cherokee by now."

(Up In The Air)

2010-05-15T17:25:00.001+02:00

Het was goed. Het was rustig. Het was zonnig en gezellig en we voelden ons goed.

Suicidaal stel wordt verliefd op brug

2010-05-13T13:59:00.001+02:00

Zo zie je maar weer dat achter de wolken altijd de zon schijnt. Net toen een Rus, die door zijn verloofde in de steek werd gelaten, op het punt stond van een brug te springen, werd hij verliefd op een vrouw die er ook een einde aan wilde maken. Andriej Ivanov (26) en Maria Petrova (21) raakten met elkaar aan de praat toen hij haar over de reling van een burg in Ufa zag klimmen. De twee vielen als een blok voor elkaar. “Die avond heeft mijn leven gered, en dat van haar”, aldus Ivanov. Het stel wil gaan trouwen.

House's wisedom

2010-05-08T17:58:00.001+02:00

"Gotta see if our patient's a unicorn or just a slutty horse."

"My unicorn is not a unicorn. It's a donkey with a plunger stuck to its face."

2010-05-08T03:56:00.001+02:00

Emigration grands the liberty to do what you really want to do, without thinking about the long-term consequences, because there simply aren't any.

2010-05-03T15:15:00.000+02:00

And now sure of being loved, he took fewer pains, and imperceptibly his manner changed. There were no more of those sweet words that made her weep, as in the early days, noe of the fierce caresses that sent her wild; and now, their great love, in which she dwelt immersed, seemed to dwindle beneath her, like the waters that vanish into the bed of the river, and she could see the mud. She would not believe it; she redoubled her tenderness; and Rodolphe, increasingly, displayed his indifference.

(Madame Bovary, Flaubert)

2010-05-02T23:18:00.002+02:00

As for Emma, she never once questioned herself to see if she loved him. Love, she believed, had to come, suddenly, with a great clap of thunder and a lightning flash, a tempest from heaven that falls upon your life, like a devastation, scatters your ideals like leaves and hurls your very soul into the abyss. Little did she know that up on the roof of the house, the rain will form a pool if the gutters are blocked, and there she would have stayed feeling safe inside, until one day she suddenly discovered the crack right down the wall.

(Madame Bovary, Flaubert)

2010-05-01T18:15:00.002+02:00

Geluk ligt in simpele dingen. Taarten bakken is iets wat ik zelden doe. De zon schijnt na regen en de snookerballen dansen op het scherm. Binnenkort leg ik mijn toekomst weer wat steviger vast. Dromen worden werkelijkheid, herinneringen die me eerder droevig stemden, verdwijnen langzaam in de verleden tijd. Alles komt goed.

2010-04-20T16:34:00.001+02:00

Got accepted into University of Liverpool. Hello bright future!

2010-04-08T22:33:00.001+02:00

Ik adem je stem
als duizend zomerdromen
lachend in mijn hoofd
met speelse regendruppels
dansend op mijn armen

2010-04-03T00:17:00.001+02:00

You're lucky I felt like company. Otherwise the greatest romance of all times would've drizzled down, sadly crying in a corner while the other romances mock it and throw their dirty socks at it.

2010-04-02T18:51:00.001+02:00

My gorgeous,

I stepped on the train and thought of you. This day was wonderful, almost perfect. It was all I remembered, all it should be. Liverpool in Leuven. We laughed, we smiled, we cuddled, we were we once again. It was so much better, so much more relaxed, so much more ourselves. I cannot wait til I see your house, your home, your family and friends. Endless meadows, endless woods. England, my one true love. And though I will arrive late at night, when the stars are out and the moon is our light, you will be my sunshine, my warmth, my lantarn in the darkness.
You are in my heart.

Your Belgian x

2010-03-29T15:31:00.000+02:00

Things are never simple in my world. I was anticipating this, in a way. Oh well, all is fixed now.

2010-03-26T15:21:00.002+01:00

It was a little scary, but luckily it passed, eventually. And even the other misfortunes may still get fixed. You give me hope, if not for details, then for life itself. You're so different from what I'm used to. Luckily. Finally. Perfectly.

2010-03-26T02:38:00.000+01:00

"It was like someone threw a bomb and the shrapnel was slut. It was everywhere."

(L Litwin)

2010-03-21T16:45:00.002+01:00

Haven't written in ages. Too little nights spent sitting alone behind my computer with the pale moon staring at me to a point of awkwardness if I don't write about it.

2010-03-11T18:54:00.000+01:00

How things change, aye. Unexpectedness. People jump in, people jump out. Hearts shift swiftly in these rushing times. Caught off guard, in a pleasant way. A soothing to my much bruised heart. Knew it, felt it, saw it coming. It was this or that. Nothing in between. I'm so done with people in between. Caught off guard, I suppose. In a good way.

2010-03-01T02:32:00.004+01:00

How come somehow
Sometimes, despite ourselves
We yearn for understanding
For acceptance
Or for love

We know they don’t deserve us
We know they’re lying to our face
We know they cheated on our feelings
We know they use us
Nothing more

And yet, we crawl, we beg, we plead
We hope, we wait, we want
We listen and we give advice
We comfort, we embrace

Sometimes our mind rebels
Screams out in blazing anger
Stop being such a dickhead
Don't you know that we deserve
A whole lot more than this

But still it breaks our heart
To leave without a warning
To give up without fighting
To lose the hope we held
Of validated friendship

And so, we struggle on
While waiting for our answer
For one kind word, a smile perhaps
A text, an email
Come on over

We know these things don’t happen
We know these things don’t change
We know we should let go
Kick out the useless bastards

But still
We wait
In vain
We wait
As days go past
We wait in vain for answer

2010-03-01T02:25:00.001+01:00

Wrinkled enfolding
Softly awaking
Spring of the conscious
Cocoons to be shed

2010-03-01T02:24:00.003+01:00

I savour every taste
Of new encounters that I make
Imbibing every sound
Absorbing all that’s fresh

And yet, it is not here I live
These scents are volatile
My future lies ahead of me
My plans to be enfolded

I spent these fleeting hours
Making memories of present
An imprint of this life I lead
A last goodbye to home

2010-03-01T02:24:00.001+01:00

Time waits
And as no other
Is always by my side
When I go fast
Time races with me
When thoughts run slow
Time wanders round in circles

Time stops
And with no other
Standing by my side
My heart does race this fast
My words are racing with me
As minutes running by
Seem ages, endless cycles

Time flies
And still there is no other
And always in my thoughts
When I wake up
His face is right before me
When Night leads me to sleep
I lie in his embrace

2010-03-01T02:05:00.000+01:00

For days the time crawled past
Upon its frozen knees
The crooked fingers grazing
My skin fell off, worn-out

My naked heart was left exposed
Its pounding sickly and off-beat
The blood inside my veins dirt grey
And thick, all life oozed out

My lungs gasping for air
My mouth a gaping hole
Where once were words
The endless silence lures
My tears have drowned the cries

2010-02-28T21:45:00.000+01:00

How easy it would be
To just cut
Snap snap
All the ties
Gone between
The two of us
Freedom for my heart at last
But I am not prepared
Such sufferings
So willingly
Inflicted on myself
I know some day
I’ll have to let you go
Because you have not
Been holding on
And never will
And never truly did
You’re tugging at my fingers
Trying to break free
Leave me
Leave me
Just leave me alone

2010-02-28T13:49:00.002+01:00

It's the circle of life, isn't it? I remember from last time. Did the exact same thing. Just walked away, but when he called, I came back running, almost tripping over my own feet. Do I hope he will reach out again? What if he doesn't? This time is different, is it not? I have a plan, a life, a future. If he says no, I can say yes to life. It doesn't matter so much, now. Or does it? It always does. It shouldn't, but it always does.

2010-02-22T19:00:00.001+01:00

Why yes, midget taunting is a new hobby of mine!

2010-02-21T23:41:00.000+01:00

"Though we both know how complex life is, especially when we open something to look inside."

(William Francis Lee)

2010-02-21T23:34:00.001+01:00

I think every person has the ability to be passionate, but you have to be confronted with life to have that passion come out. Let me try and explain. Every person starts off the same way. Okay, some people with more energy than others, everyone with a different passion, different interests, different character. But I believe that every single person can be passionate, can live passionately, as long as they allow themselves to do so. As long as life brings them in the position to be so.
Maybe there is some inherent thing that makes passionate people easier to allow themselves to become passionate, but I do think anyone can be passionate. The problem is that a lot of people don't want to be passionate. With passion comes the big lows, along with the big highs. And a lot of people aren't willing to take the risk, aren't willing to sacrifice bland 'happiness' for exhilarating highs, because they know there are the devastating lows. But we, we do. Maybe life forced us to be thus, maybe because we already were met with such lows, that we realised we had nothing to lose by aiming high. Maybe, that is why we are such. Because we realise how fleeting life is, and do not want to ponder upon the lows, when there are heights to be discovered which go beyond what you can imagine if you live the average life that so many amongst us live.

2010-02-20T23:43:00.000+01:00

SONNET 31

Thy bosom is endeared with all
Which I by lacking have supposed dead,
And there reigns love and all love's loving parts,
And all those friends which I thought buried.

How many a holy and obsequious tear
Hath dear religious love stol'n from mine eye
As interest of the dead, which now appear
But things removed that hidden in thee lie!

Thou art the grave where buried love doth live,
Hung with the trophies of my lovers gone,
Who all their parts of me to thee did give;
That due of many now is thine alone:

Their images I loved I view in thee,
And thou, all they, hast all the all of me.

2010-02-20T23:42:00.001+01:00

SONNET 27

Weary with toil, I haste me to my bed,
The dear repose for limbs with travel tired;
But then begins a journey in my head,
To work my mind, when body's work's expired:

For then my thoughts, from far where I abide,
Intend a zealous pilgrimage to thee,
And keep my drooping eyelids open wide,
Looking on darkness which the blind do see

Save that my soul's imaginary sight
Presents thy shadow to my sightless view,
Which, like a jewel hung in ghastly night,
Makes black night beauteous and her old face new.

Lo! thus, by day my limbs, by night my mind,
For thee and for myself no quiet find.

2010-02-19T14:19:00.001+01:00

Man, ik zie er mottig uit vandaag. En ik wacht ook maar, telkens weer. Akkoord, de dagen vlogen wel voorbij, maar toch, maar toch. En tijd voor nieuwe kijkers, ook, maar moeder neemt niet op. Typisch, uiteraard. Ik zie op tegen volgende week, en misschien zelfs tegen de week erna. But that could just be the hangover speaking.
Ik wacht, dus maar. Langzaam.

2010-02-18T12:49:00.001+01:00

Ik zou echt niet zo blij mogen zijn met zijn ongeluk
Maar ik ben het wel
hihi

Valentijnsdag 2010

2010-02-15T14:43:00.003+01:00

Ik streelde een aap en zong mee met Mulan, at snoepjes en zwaaide naar de prins en naar Sneeuwwitje. Holde door de sneeuw, gleed bijna uit zonder mijn laarzen, mijn natte haren waaiend in de wind. Zag zovelen die ik al te lang gemist had, kuste wangen als een doorwinterde hostess. Zelfs mijn zus, bijna, die me gelukkig vreemd bekeek. Genoot ontzettend van de beats, was verveeld door de preek, gefrustreerd door de literaire incorrectheid. Zag hem staan, zoals toen, glimlachte, hield van. Luisterde naar wat de Surinamer zei, ontdekte waarheid in zijn woorden, ookal was het dan de waarheid die hij misschien niet zag. Richtte ogen op de toekomst, sprak over Liverpool met hen, was zo blij toen ik de herkenning in zijn ogen zag. Genoot, besefte, maakte plannen. Knuffelde, aangenaam verrast een knuffel terug te krijgen. Wikkelde, sprak, luisterde, bad. Voelde één met het verleden, miste even, maar niet lang. Lachtte met zij waarom gelacht moet worden, voelde de vermoeidheid me besluipen. Verlangde naar mijn dekens, schuifelde naar huis, bekeek, maar zag geen antwoord. Schreef depressieve blogpost, al mijn lessen weer vergeten, kroop diep onder mijn lakens, droomde van hoe zacht mijn kussen was. En toen ik wakker werd, was Valentijnsdag voorbij, mijn leven vol van nieuwe plannen, mijn bril nog meer kapot dan eerst, en wachtte een lange werkdag aan de voordeur.

Maar hoop, hoop heb ik weer, hoop op anders, hoop op beter, hoop op dagen vol gezelschap, hoop op liefde van de Heer (want ik schaam me daar niet om).

2010-02-15T03:53:00.002+01:00

straks is ie weg
en wanneer hij terugkomt
volgt de genadeslag
of ja
een cruciaal punt, denk ik

daarnet een epifanie
of hoe je dat ook schrijft
en ja, dat praten, dat deed goed
en daarna gewoon lachen
even niet meer letten
op de rest om me heen

morgen werk
lange uren
gedachten zwervend
naar dat verre land
dingen die me bezighouden
hoop en vrees
verstrengeld binnenin

straks
straks volgt de rest
de toekomst
komt eraan
geen zorgen meer
gedaan
maar mis hem toch nog steeds

hart klopt
hart hoopt
hart schrikt
van wat dat hart
zo wensen kon
maar hoe
hoe moet het anders
als dit niet is
dan weer iets anders
die zoektocht maakt me moe

ik laat het los
voor even
tot donderdag weer komt
en zie
dan
de rest

bid
diep
smeek
les geleerd?
misschien

levensplannen
wacht
wacht
hoop

2010-02-13T02:18:00.003+01:00

Mensen, ik krijg het schijt van dat belachelijke "anoniem". Als ge een reactie wilt plaatsen, zet er dan verdorie ook even uw naam bij.

2010-02-13T02:18:00.001+01:00

I feel like dressing up
Sleek dress, high heels
hair flowing like a river on my back
Make-up sultry
Glimmering jewelry
A whiff of my seductive perfume

Hitting the town
Enchanting men
Feeling like a queen
Amongst the minions in the streets

Worship me!
Worship me!
I tower high above them
On my 9-inch heels
My earrings, shimmering in the light
Lashes batting
Lips glowing
Breasts, perfect in my dress

Ah, worship me
Only a few months left
And then
They'll worship me
Want me
Long for me

And at the end
The morning light
Kiss my soft, full lips
And take me home
Embrace me in your sleep
Your fingers running down my back

Ah, the daydreams of tomorrow
Keep me awake at night

2010-02-11T22:16:00.002+01:00

Heartbreak-day
In a good way?
Maybe
I miss
so much
and you

I think I'll curl up in a ball
and sleep the tears away

2010-02-11T17:59:00.001+01:00

I am not a poet
Because poets pass
Even simple words
As though it were their last.

I am not a poet
As in a poets breathe
Is an overthrown art,
A more melodramatic sentence.

I am not a poet
For a poet must
Project elegant finery
Where there should be dust.

I am not a poet
Although definition suggests
That a poets lines
Lie the best.

2010-02-10T02:02:00.002+01:00

Lately I've come to think it might be a very good thing I'm leaving in six months and stepping out of this life. People seem to get these ideas about me, and others, who are close, hold these same ideas, which hurt me, because they are not true. And then I wonder whether they really know me. People from a long gone past know me. They've learned to know me, time has taught them me. And then there's him. He knows me. He trusts me. I think I might be the only one. Strange how things can become so encompassing in only one year's time. I can make these promises, I don't know if I'll keep them, but the way I feel about it now, makes me feel so strong in my believes that this bond will not be broken. There are people in your life who make such an impact. Soulmates.

He is my sixth sense. Or I have a sixth sense about him. I don't know. I feel him. I know him. I read him, I hear him. I trust him. I love him.

2010-02-09T16:33:00.003+01:00

Happiness: the streets are filled with people again. Bumping into friends constantly. Stores are buzzing, bags are bouncing, papers printed and classes slept through. There is something quite magical about a new semester. Everything is fresh, everything is good. And this semester is going to be a really good one. Not only will it start getting warmer again soon, I also only have one class a week, a few books to read and a thesis to write, which means I can work a lot, travel, meet up with friends and just enjoy my last semester in Belgium. Liverpool is going great, I have posted most of my applications (only two more to go - one university and one loan) and then it's all out of my hands and waiting for an answer. Quite excited, really. In the second semester people also seem to always get much closer than before. Studying together through an examperiod builds bonds that are not easy to break. New friends, re-newed friendships. I'm trying to meet up with as many people as possible, to make a massive amount of memories to last me a lifetime. I want to remember these last few months of Belgium, Leuven and this part of my life as a wonderful period where I enjoyed myself to the fullest. Let's hope I will :-)

2010-02-09T11:25:00.000+01:00

2010-02-09T11:24:00.001+01:00

Schrijf schrijf schrijf, doodle doodle doodle

Zweden

2010-02-08T10:21:00.001+01:00

2010-01-31T19:06:00.000+01:00

Moved house. Awesome new room/mezzanine. No Internet yet, though. Tomorrow. But I'll be off to Sweden soon. So up for it. So unbelievably up for it.

Love is patient, love is kind

2010-01-29T01:37:00.000+01:00

melancholic day
so many things
that could or would or might have
if life were different

and though i thrive in it
it does keep me awake at night
dreams i know
will never become truth

too many chances
too many if's
i like the sadness of my thoughts
but know they are not healthy
a painful stabbing
in my lungs

i need to get away
to see the northern light
and endless days of snow
will wipe my dreams away

2010-01-28T07:50:00.002+01:00

I'll continue doing them, that's for sure, but writing them down is becoming tedious, they're becoming too much of a chore and not spontanous enough anymore. So, off to random adventures it is!

(Today: Watching Mulan in the laundr-o-mat whilst eating pizza with friends, of whom one was studying)

Levenswijsheid van de dag

2010-01-27T20:45:00.002+01:00

Wees vriendelijk, want iedereen die je ontmoet gaat door één of andere levensles.